You Don't Even Know Me!

​Well most of you do :) but I was recently asked the question, "How did you decide what celebrities to use in your 'Icons' collection?". At first I thought to myself what do you mean how did I choose them! Then I remembered that I think about this stuff all the time, but often I forget to share my process. So here's a little bit more about why I do what I do.

​I spend all day with myself. I have a constant inner-dialogue about the current piece I'm creating, or what I should work on next. I completely forget that you are not there with me.
​I'm really happy they asked me how I decide because it kinda snapped me back into reality about needing to share more about myself.

​Well to answer this I might as well start from the beginning.
When we are growing up we are imprinted by our surroundings. We learn what's socially acceptable, what's considered taboo, and develop a sense of self around that. Growing up in the deep south has it's own set of standards. Little girls are taught to be southern belles, and little boys are taught to be good ole boys. You go to church several times a week, and you learn what you're not supposed to be and do. I was a little different.

​At a young age I was self aware that I was not like everyone else. I was very tenderhearted, and had feminine emotions that a little boy wasn't supposed to have. My family never shamed me for who I was, they always accepted me, but I had a very hard time being different. I was scared. I began trying to bury all of the emotions. I was never very good at it until I got older. In junior high I can remember lashing out and cutting people down because it meant that I could divert everyone's attention away from me.

​When I was 20 I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get away. I had to find somewhere to start over where no one knew me. The opportunity came about and I moved to Orlando. I wish I could say that I left all of the stigma behind in Mississippi, but I didn't. I started to discover who I was, but I hated myself for it. After countless nights of battering myself, and teetering on suicide I finally told someone. I was gay.

​I have always been blessed with the people I've had in my life. My roommate at the time was someone I had gone to high school with, and she was there for me. She assured me that it was OK, and whether she knows it or not I'm still alive because she was there. I eventually started opening up to those closest around me, and they surrounded me with love. I began to grow as a person because my walls were being torn down, but I still had a problem with the emotions I experienced. It took me another 10 years to break down those walls, and I did it with my art. 

When I left college after studying fine art I stopped painting. I would pick up a pencil or brush every once in a while, but it had no drive or meaning. I had blocked myself from my emotions so much that I had no passion. In 2007 I went to culinary school, graduated in pastry, and began making elaborate art inspired cakes. The cakes made me flex my fine art muscle and I started painting again. My subject..... Women.

Every woman I paint is an avatar for an emotion that I've hidden or repressed. I started using the women to delve deeper into myself and really explore what I was hiding from myself. Empathy, stress, fear, exhaustion, passion, love, lust, arrogance, all emotions I had become very attune to blocking. The more I dug in the more I was able to let go and be a normal person. They are paintings of service that let me decompress my hyper aware self judgement.

​After I became more confident in my art I wanted to help others with self discovery. I began to learn that if you can physically see and recognize what you are feeling, you can begin to heal. So I created the @LeaveYourBaggage project. A traveling art installation that allows people to anonymously write down what their dealing with, and throw it away. This project has become very important to be because of the impact that is has on the participants and audience alike. The audience has a chance to see that others have problems similar to their own and that they aren't alone in the world.

​All of this comes full circle back to the 'Icons' question. "How did you decide what celebrities to use in your 'Icons' collection?"
All of the Icons were chosen for their impact on the world, and what they stood for as people. I made a big list of Pop Culture Icons and one by one would study their lives. I needed to know what they did with their life, with their status. I needed to resonate with them as humanitarians, connect with them on a deeper emotional level, and relate to their pain and struggle. I needed something to paint into the portrait besides a face on a canvas.

​I've discovered as an artist that when I try to paint other things without self reflection and emotionally connecting with what I'm working on, it just falls flat.  My biggest hope when I'm working on a piece is that someone who views it may discover a little bit more about themselves as I did about myself.

​I hope you enjoyed this little look into why I do what I do. Does this resonate with you? Share with me your thoughts, views, and reasons you create in the comments section bellow. 

Until next time, stay living creative!
-Derek